So I'm Already Gone
by Roswell Dream Girl
Summary: He always thought when he loved it would be forever but he never planned on Brooke, never thought of loving anyone other than Peyton but kissing her for the first time sophomore year, changed everything. Post 6x20 BL / LP / BJu


**_For those that were reading my other story Sometime Love Isn't Enough, while that story has nothing to do it this one, I won't be continuing it nor will I ever write for OTH again. When I started SLIE, I truly believed Brooke and Lucas would found their way back to one another (on the show and in my story) because their love was enough to get them through anything…but I don't anymore and try as I might I just can't finish that story. I'm truly sorry!_**

**_This one-shot is based off Kelly Clarkson's song Already Gone. It is seriously the epitome of BL. Thank You Shai (spelling?) for making that awesome video and reminding me why I love BL so much. Without that video, Kelly's song, and the greatness that is BL I couldn't have written this._**

**_Thank you Kat for looking over this for me! *hugs* and a million *kisses*_**

**_Starts off with Lucas' POV and then goes to Brooke's.  
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* * *

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So I'm Already Gone**

_  
Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories, they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye  
Even with our fists held high  
It never would've worked out right  
We were never meant for do or die.  
_

He told Peyton he was going for walk, to clear his head and yet somehow he ended up at the river court, his home away from home. So many important moments of his life had taken place here, too many to count and tonight he only cared to remember one.

"_This is my world, Brooke. Or, at least it used to be."_

"_I __have__ been here before, you know?" _

"_I __know__… I just never told you what this place is to me. It's not just a court… it's where I came from, it's where I belong… it's my world." _

"_So do I get to be part of this world?"_

"_The __biggest__ part."_

That night was one of many that would later come with Brooke by his side. His most cherished memories of high school were all a time spent with her. It didn't matter if they were together, just friends, or fighting she made his life exciting, she gave him a purpose outside of being Dan Scott's bastard son. Before his sophomore year, it was just Haley and him and after, he was pushed into a world that at the time seemed surreal. He went from having no one's attention to having the head cheerleader's undivided attention.

He and Brooke couldn't agree on anything; they were as different as night and day but to him that made her –them all that more interesting. She never pretended to get him and he never pretended to get her but that's what made them work so well. It may have started out as 'just fun' but it turned into something much more. Somewhere along the way they fall in love with each other and it was nothing like anything he had ever experienced, even to this day.

In two weeks time he was getting married to Peyton, their baby was due at the end of July, he shouldn't have been thinking of her . But for the past few days he couldn't shake the feeling that Brooke needed him. And in a way, though he would never admit it out loud he needed her too. She was the only one who could calm him down with a simple look and right now he was scared shitless.

He was 23 years old and it felt as if the rest of his life was mapped out for him, no stop signs in the future, no detours could be made. Everything was happening so fast and yet not fast enough. He barely had time to comprehend anything. All he knew, all he could think about was how he was going to be a father and a husband within 5 months of each other!

So many things could happen and they lingered in his mind. What if Peyton died? What if the baby died? What if he was a horrible Dad or a bad husband? He thought he was ready but how could he be when he was this terrified, this unsure about the choices he had made?

Peyton did her best to ease his fears but how could he tell her they weren't just fears but regrets as well? The biggest being that he couldn't figure how she –Peyton ended up being the _most important part of his life _when just a few years ago he promised Brooke she was.

He loved Peyton, he never once doubted his love for her, they were one of the same and being with her was easy and familiar but could he really marry her knowing a part of his heart would always belong to her best friend? Was it even possible to love two women at the same time?

Growing up he never thought so. He always thought when he loved it would be forever but he never planned on Brooke, never thought of loving anyone other than Peyton but kissing her for the first time sophomore year, changed everything. She wasn't the nameless, easy cheerleader anymore; she had a heart and a brain. And no one could blame him for seeing it, for loving her for it. It would be said later her life that he saved her, saved her from a life that never went beyond physical pleasure, but in his mind it was her that saved him.

It was her that gave him the strength to step off the river court and onto the basketball team; it was her that helped him see Nathan had been just as lost and alone as he was in high school; it was her that showed him how to love unconditionally. She always teased that he had to if he was gonna love her but that wasn't it because after all his mistakes, all his faults, all the times he made her cry, she still loved him. It was him that needed to be loved unconditionally…not her.

Brooke always had the potential to be more than what she pretended and while he took some comfort in knowing he might have pushed her in the right direction at one time, the unveiling was all her. It had just been covered and buried by her absence parents and her random hookups. But even then he could see it and try as he might to hold onto her and their relationship, he couldn't.

Too many other things were at stake and while love was never their problem, it didn't magically fix everything either. As a child you're told love will concur all but then you grow up and you realize love isn't always enough. That sometimes, even when you wish with all you have that it could be different, fate has other things in mind.

_  
I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road  
Someone's gotta go  
I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone.  
_

* * *

She should have said yes, she wanted to say yes but she just couldn't bring herself to actually say it. Because saying it make it real and she wasn't quite ready for that.

The last time she committed her heart to someone, it ended badly and though it was her that walked away it still hurt. She never wanted to put herself in a position where someone else had power over whether or not she cried or laughed, smiled or frowned, doubted her self-worth or loved herself. Because in the end she was always the one who ended up alone.

Her and Lucas' relationship had always been complicated, most never understand what they saw in each other, but to her, he was and would always be the boy that got away. Yes, it had been her doing, her that walked away but it wasn't because she wanted to. She did it because she realized that they were fighting a losing battle. So she left before he could leave her. And he would have too because it was only two weeks after they broke up that they –Lucas and Peyton were dating. It killed her to see them together so soon but it just reinforced what she had known all along, they were always meant to say goodbye.

He and Peyton were fate; they shared the kind of love most only dreamt about and she and him were a mistake that ended up lasting a year. Yet knowing that didn't stop her from wanting to cry at the mention of their upcoming wedding or the fast approaching birth of their child and it certainly didn't stop her from turning down Julian's offer at a chance to be happy.

Julian was a good guy, a great guy and he offered her the world and all she could do was stand there? She hadn't wanted to hurt him but he just pushed too far, too quickly. They hadn't known each other that long and he wanted her to make a decision then and when she couldn't, he looked so broken. And then he found that stupid picture on the refrigerator of her, Lucas and Angie and everything just went downhill from there.

It's not that she was incapable of loving someone, just the opposite actually; the problem was she no longer believed in that love. She had friends and family but she had resigned to the fact that her life would never be what most people considered normal. She decided long ago that she wasn't meant for marriage, 2.5 kids, and the house with the white picket fence. She stopped believing in it because it became easier to convince herself she didn't want it then it was to try to understand why she only wanted it with one person. If she didn't want it, she couldn't miss it but then Julian came into her life and little by little she found herself believing again. And it scared her shitless.

If she did this, if she said yes then she and Lucas were over for good. There was no turning back, no second thoughts, no regrets…if she went with Julian it would be forever. He deserved nothing less than that and she was starting to realize she did too. But could she do it? Could she really say goodbye to Lucas?

She had convinced herself and everyone else, senior year that she had but everyone knows you never really say goodbye to your first love (only love.), they're always lingeringly in your thoughts and in your heart.

_  
I didn't want us to burn out  
I didn't come here to hold you  
Now I can't stop.  
_

This was stupid, childish even; Lucas was marrying Peyton, they were having a baby. She had no business thinking of what they once were. It was history; Lucas probably didn't even remember or care to. He hadn't loved her then and he saw her as nothing more than a friend now. Peyton was the one he chose, the one he wanted and she was alone and mourning a man that had never really been hers.

* * *

Brooke may not have grown up in a loving home or had parents who cared about her but that didn't stop her from becoming one of the most loving and forgiving person he had ever met. Which is way he didn't understand her reasoning for turning down Julian's offer to go to California, to be a family. A family he knew, she wanted more than anything else. He would never be Julian's number one fan, for no other reason than he had slept with both Peyton and Brooke, and though the latter shouldn't have bothered him but it did. Another thing he didn't dare admit out loud.

But he wasn't the least bit surprised that Julian wanted forever with Brooke, after all it wasn't that long ago that he did too. But what he didn't understand, what he couldn't figure out was why Brooke had turned him down and why, as always he was the last one to know. He had a sickening suspicious that if it hadn't been for Peyton, he still wouldn't know and somehow the thought of being last to know when it came to Brooke, scared the fuck out of him.

They were always friends, even when they were so much more than that. And while he missed the intimacy, only they could share, he loved being Brooke's friend. Or he had until he understood exactly what that meant.

He should have figured it out sooner because of course she wasn't being honest with him. It was almost 3 days before he found out she was attacked and even longer before she decided to talk with him about it. Her excuse being he already had too much on his plate as it was. At the time, he was hurt that she thought so little of him and of herself but he has known her long enough to know that's just who she is; whole-heartingly giving herself to those around her but never expecting anything in return.

He hated and loved that about her.

She was always just so _damn_ selfless. Even when they were together and his loyalties should have lied with her; even then she made excuses as to why they didn't. He had too big of a heart, her problems weren't big enough or important enough, she was unlovable. After so many years of struggling, he now understood what she'd had been trying so hard to tell him, they couldn't possible work. He made her cried more than smile, he made her doubt herself more than love herself, he made her best friend happier than he made her and now he realizes he can't make what feels wrong, feel right.

_  
Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry  
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in  
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive  
You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go.  
_

* * *

It was late, almost midnight but he had to see her, to talk to her. He's not sure why, he's going on nothing other than a piecing feeling she needs him but he doesn't care. He knocks loudly on her door. It takes her a few minutes but after the fifth knock she finally opens the door.

"What are you doing here?" she lends against the door frame.

"Can I come in?"

She hesitates, not real sure this was a good idea after the night she just had.

"Please Brooke," he pleads, "We need to talk."

She knew it was important, him being here at this hour proved it but she had just been through hell, largely due to the man in front of her and she was exhausted, mentally and physical. She couldn't deal with him right now. "It's late Lucas," she whispers her voice hoarse from hours of crying, "It's not really a good time."

"I'm not leaving," He plants his foot in the door. "We have to talk."

She stares at him, wondering just what he was doing here at this hour. She decided she would kind of like to find out. "What is it that you want?" she asks walking further into the living room.

"I heard about you and Julian," he confesses while closing the door behind him.

Nothing was ever safe in Tree Hill. "Well I guess I can think my best friend for that, remind me to kill you're soon-to-be wife later."

It bothers him to hear her refer to Peyton as his soon to be wife but he ignores it. She is after all. "Don't be mad at Peyton, Brooke," he says. "Besides I wanna know why you didn't? We're friends."

Friends? When we they ever just friends. "Maybe because it isn't any of your business Lucas. Anyways I don't want to talk about it with you."

"Why not with me?" He reaches out to her but she jerks away. "Brooke…?"

He was hurt. But it was within her best interest for him not to touch her. "Don't look at me like that Lucas," she demands, not clearly understanding why all of sudden she's mad. "It isn't fair! You can't just come in here at the crack of dawn and want to talk when, me and you," pointing between the two of them, "haven't been 'friends' in a long time. God you haven't even been over here since Angie."

He can't exactly remember when he was here last but he knows it was after Angie. "First of all its not even midnight and second you know that's not true," he defends, "I came over here to help pack up some of Peyton's things a few weeks ago." Somehow that sounded better in his head.

"Try three months ago!"

Had it really been that long? It was right before Peyton found out she was pregnant which was…three and half months ago. Damnit. "Brooke I'm sorry okay? You know I've been busy with the movie and stuff. I'm sorry. I should have been here way before now."

He took a seat on the couch, "Tell me what happened. Maybe I can help."

"Look this is just too weird," she says.

"Brooke it's only weird because you're making it that way," he tells her. "I just want to help."

She rolls her eyes and gives in. "I know even know where to begin," she starts, catching his eye briefly. "One minute we were just having _fun _and the next he's telling me he loves me and asking me to move to California. I just moved back here. I don't wanna leave; my life is here, my store, Sam…my friends." She stumbles over the last part.

"None of that matters if you love him…do you love him?" he asks.

She looks at him and wonders if this is as awkward for him as it is for her. "It isn't that easy," she answers.

Nothing with love ever was.

"It's a simple question Brooke. You either do or you don't. It doesn't have to be hard," he replies.

She rolls her eyes in response. "God you sound just like him. And for the record it isn't simple." she points between the two of them, "Us for example were anything but simple."

She was right. Complicated, passionate, those words described them much better. "We didn't make it easy, did we?"

"We?" she raises her eyebrow. "Okay…you're right," he agrees. "_I _didn't make it easy."

Well it wasn't his entire fault. "No you're right, _we_ didn't make it easy."

It was so like her to take some of the blame but he knows he gave her every reason to walk away senior year, he just hadn't realized it before now. "I know why you walked away that night," he whispers, gently laying his hand on her thigh, "And I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" she asks. "What do you have to be sorry about? Even if Peyton hadn't told me how she felt, we still wouldn't have worked. Just wasn't in the cards for us," she explains.

"Wait…what?" he asks, clearly confused. "What are you talking about?"

He didn't know. After all these years he still didn't know what really happened senior year. "Um…nothing? Forget I mentioned anything."

"Peyton told you how she felt? About me?" he almost yells, not needing her to confirm what his gut is already telling him.

She closes her eyes "Lucas I'm sorry, I shouldn't—" He interrupts her, "When?"

"The night of Naley's anniversary," she answers back.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, standing up. "Did either of you think maybe I had a right to know? That it might have changed things!"

"I didn't tell you because it wouldn't have matter, it didn't matter. She loved you, you loved her. What else was there?" she shrugs, completely unaware as to why he was mad.

"Are you serious? What else was there?" he was pacing now. "Hell Brooke! I _loved_ you, I hadn't thought of Peyton as anything other than a friend. Why was that so fucking hard for her to believe?"

She flinches at his tone of voice. "She loved you Lucas, she didn't want it to be like before…" She didn't say it but it was clear, 'like before when you cheated on me.'

"Damnit Brooke! It wasn't like the first time. Why couldn't _you_ see that?"

How was it her fault? He was the one who ran to her best friend so quickly. "Me?! I don't know Lucas maybe because a month after we broke up, you were dating her!" she screams. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to see you two together so soon after we ended it? God I walked in on you two," she can feel the tears welling up. "You have no idea how hard it was for me."

"Brooke…" his voice breaks, remembering her face the night she found him and Peyton. "I thought you didn't love me."

She shakes her head. "Did it ever occur to you that I break up with you not because I didn't love you but because I realized what Peyton and everyone else already knew…we weren't gonna work out." It was hard but it was harder staying with him knowing he would eventually end up with Peyton. "So I did what was best for everyone."

_  
I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road  
Someone's gotta go  
I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone  
I'm already gone  
Already gone  
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong  
I'm already gone  
Already gone  
There's no moving on  
So I'm already gone  
_

"But it wasn't your decision to make," he cries. "You should have told me…I had a right to know."

"Do you love Peyton?"

"Brooke—" she interrupts him. "Do you love her Lucas? It's a simple question, yes or no." she asks, using his earlier words.

She was his wife; he wouldn't have married her otherwise. "Yes," he answers.

"Then I did the right thing."

He shakes his head. 'No Brooke you didn't…because I loved you too."

She shakes her head, refusing to believe that she was anything other than a mistake.

"You were so much more than you've ever believed but it doesn't matter, does it?" he asks, knowing what she thought. "Cause you made up your mind 5 years ago and nothing I say will convince you otherwise."

"It's better this way," she defends.

"You mean easier." He runs his hand through his hair. "Why won't you believe me?"

"Do you really want to know?" she asks.

He nods.

"Because your mouth says one thing and your actions say another. How am I supposed to believe you loved me when you so quickly got over me?" she cries.

"I told you why."

"So what? You think that makes up for what you did?" she asks. "God Lucas it was less than month! You couldn't even give me a MONTH! Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? Do you?"

"Brooke—" he starts.

"No Lucas!" she interrupts. "Everyone could see how much you two were killing me…Haley, Rachel, Nathan, hell even Peyton knew. The only person who didn't was you. So tell me how am I supposed to believe that I ever meant anything to you?"

"I'm sorry…I don't know what else to say."

"Me either," she says.

He looks away, the pain in her eyes too much for him. After a few minutes, he asks her if she knows why he's here tonight. She shakes her head.

"I was at the river court, thinking…and all I could picture in my head is that night of the big game when I told you, you got to be the biggest part of my world. I kept replaying it over and over again. How could some much have changed in one year?" asking but not really asking.

"I know it's silly but somehow I knew you needed me and I knew ever before knocking on your door that tonight would change both our lives."

Her eyes widen at his confession.

"Not like that Brooke."

She sighs in relief.

"I don't know if I can explain it," he says. "But I know, more than anything else that high school, the break up, us—was supposed to happen." She was always meant to be in his life. He knew it like he knew anything else.

"You see Brooke, I've learned so much from you," he takes her hands in his. "You taught me how to be a better son, a better man…but more than that you will always be my first love."

His eyes find hers for the countless time that night, saying through them what he couldn't say otherwise.

"Tell me again," she whispers, opening her heart to his words. "It doesn't change anything. You're still getting married and I'll still be in limbo with Julian but I need to hear it again…" She wipes her tears and wonders if this is right or fair to Peyton but decides she doesn't care either way.

"Sam is gonna ask me one day what love is. She's gonna want to know how to tell what you feel for someone is really love." She holds his glance, not daring to look away, "The only time I thought myself in love was when I was with you."

"What would you tell her?" he barely makes out.

"I'd tell her you know its love when the person you're with helps you become a better person, when you know no matter what you say or do they'll be there, when being with them is the happiest time of your life," her voice cracks. "But mostly I tell her you know it's love when you're willing to give them up—not because you don't love them but because you do," she weeps.

He figured it out himself just a few hours ago but hearing her say it enables a wave of emotions to burst out and he can't do much else but close his eyes and let her words sink in.

_It wasn't because of him that she walked away, it was for him. _

"It was real Brooke," he whispers, his eyes still close. "What we _feel _is real."

For so long she was at war with her heart, never knowing if what she was feeling was genuine or just her heart's attempt at some form of happiness. And now she knew she could trust herself again. She wasn't wrong before, she isn't wrong now. What she and Lucas shared was beautiful and pure but it was over, he had moved on and for the first time since high school she knew she could too.

"Thanks Lucas," she murmurs. "I know what to do now."

Lucas has her past.

Julian would have her future.

The way it was always meant to be.

_  
Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories, they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye_

_  


* * *

_

While fate always had it planned that Lucas Scott would marry Peyton Sawyer, that Brooke Davis would marry Julian Baker, destiny on the other hand—she ensured that Lucas and Brooke, though together a short time would be in each other's hearts forever, both learning and growing in love and in life. On this very night when both seemingly said their final goodbye, she couldn't help but smile because ever though fate tore them apart, destiny would bring them home again...it was only a matter of time.

_The End._


End file.
